The Housewives of Beverly Hills are fabulous and rich with a heaping tablespoon of unhinged added into the mix. It is hard to take your eyes away from these ladies and now apparently, some of the men are trying to be more catty than the women. One to be exact. We will get to that later. 

I was looking forward to this episode for many reasons. None of those reasons were to see Brandi meeting with the trollop.

Thank goodness, it’s short-lived and we can jump in with Lisa and Brandi. I like this combination much better. Hearing the details that Brandi had to hear. Ouch! I hear Brandi saying it was good when Cheater was home. I hear her say she has moved on. I also see the pain that will live with her for a very long time. How could it not? There are not enough words to express how much I love Lisa, as Brandi’s friend. Lisa is sincere in her empathy, support and love. Every woman who is traveling a road similar to Brandi, needs a Lisa. 

Cut to a lemon Lalapalooza! Kyle arrives at Yolanda’s for a Master Cleanse afternoon, she’s scared of the bees, she thinks Yolanda went overboard on the lemons and well, she’s Kyle. Kyle has funny moments, but she’s disappointed me with that dinner party and defending Faye’s behavior. Give me time to get over it. 

Yolanda and Kyle get into a conversation about Kim while mixing the Master Cleanse. (By the way for an informative post on the Master Cleanse by TVFishBowl’s Dr. Mitch look here) Kim’s been a no-show three times to Yolanda’s cleanse invite. Kyle is upset at the current status of her and her sister’s relationship and for the first time we get a glimpse of how Kyle felt about Kim growing up. She discusses Kim was her “hero” and if Mom wouldn’t get it for her, Kim did. That one statement was very telling. 

Next, Kim’s life coach visits Kim. Kim looks good. She looks so extraordinarily different than last season, it’s almost stunning. Obviously, a theme of this episode is the sister’s relationship. When life coach told Kim that Kyle hadn’t changed, that Kim had changed because she’s not drunk now, I actually did a Prince’s “OOOUUUHHAAA” with a split. I celebrate real talk, ya’ll and that was real talk. Kim admits, Kyle “outing” her on TV, instead of in a private setting, like sister’s should, hurt her. Kim’s talking head discussing it all, mixed with the actual clip is heartbreaking. Life coach suggests a real heart to heart talk with Kyle. He warns Kim about the dangers of not facing things head on and the consequences. I like Mr. Life Coach. 

It is of my opinion, in the dictionary, by “utterly fabulous” should be a picture of Lisa. She is showing up to work and I’m envious. It’s hard work having a chef ask you to try a new special. I kid. I can’t fathom the work and time that goes into what Lisa accomplishes. Let me add, accomplishes fabulously. 

Side note: Can you imagine the guy’s nervousness, running to find anyone that knows exactly which tea and how much 2% Lisa likes in her tea? It’s the small things that tickle me, Guys. 

Out comes Francis, executive chef and he is a cutie pie! My, my, my!

Next up is Ken, and even after all the years of marriage, he’s thinking of how much Lisa has been working. He wants to do something special for her. He has put up a swing, adding ribbon and flowers to the rope and planted a heart-shaped flower bed in front of the swing. He even added a tiny Adirondack chair for Giggy. He is actually planting the flowers himself! I can’t lie, that surprised me a bit. I don’t doubt his devotion to Lisa. I just thought “the help” would be the ones getting their hands dirty. He’s urging Rosita to hurry, with the ribbon and flowers,  because Lisa will be home in 30 minutes. I can’t even express my glee in him saying Lisa is a little girl at heart. Anyone that’s been married for a hot minute can appreciate that insight from a husband.

Ken wanting to hurry and get Giggy in his pink suit, before the surprise reveal! Howling!

Feel free to make fun of me, but Lisa seeing her surprise, made me misty eyed.

There is nothing more romantic than a gift from the heart and Ken hit the bulls-eye with this surprise, in my book. Seeing Lisa throw her head back and just enjoy… Bravo, Ken!

Kyle is being picked up for a Moroccan night of dining. Again, her embarrassment over Marissa seeing the ridiculousness at her dinner party sounds good. Unfortunately, I’m not sure Kyle picks up on the true source of ridiculousness. That is just sad. I do like that she seems pleased with how her call to Kim goes on the drive. 

A quick pick up of the other co-host of Moroccan night, Marissa and I hear a faint count down happening somewhere. For this I’m thankful. I have been entirely too nice this entire recap. 

Brandi is the first guest to arrive and she announces, she has received a letter from Paul and Adrienne. She had to retain a lawyer that day to decide on how to go ahead. The cost of that is $2000.00. Paul and Adrienne want her to sign a document that says Brandi will not speak of them or their family. Marissa and Kyle look genuinely shocked. I’m shocked. My opinion of Adrienne has just been justified. There is absolutely no reason for this action, especially if you have not attempted one adult conversation to straighten this out. 

Seems everyone’s arrived and the first order of business? Put Kim in the hot seat. She gets hit with, Marissa and Kyle have been friends for a while but Marissa has never met you. I was at Yolanda’s house for the cleanse and we waited on you. If you say you can’t do the cleanse, you must explain why. God forbid, we accept it may have to do with her rehabilitation and let the subject pass.

Kyle’s talking head saying, “She may not want to not expect to much from my sister,” made me want to put my nails in Kyle’s forehead. Hard. *metaphorically, of course*

Thank goodness, the belly dancers descend upon the group to get the attention off of Kim. I realize Kyle’s hair is part of who she is but there is zero magic there for me. I totally didn’t get the spinning it round over her head.

Kim and Kyle are having a real chat and Kyle in her talking head says, Kim chooses this time to have a deep discussion. (Just a another passive aggressive, my sister is a disappointment). I pressed pause when Bravo editors slid the clip in of Kyle calling Kim out a dinner party last season and leaped with joy around my keeping room. *literally* Regardless, Kim did seem to plant stepping-stones to a better future for the sisters. Oh SNAP! See?! This is the joy of watching, as I recap. Kyle’s talking head pops up and says, “Kim’s apology means nothing if she doesn’t stay sober, now does it?” (Remember nails in the forehead? Insert here again.) Did anyone else catch, Kyle whining to the other cast mates, in previous episodes, that Kim has not included her in plans or tried to spend time with her but here, she admits to being cold to Kim. Gee, Kyle, you never mentioned that when you were talking to everyone else about Kim leaving you out.

What was the point of Taylor popping up with her nonsensical foolishness? Lisa seems nonplussed by it. If I were a betting gal, I’d say most of the viewers were too.  

If you have the capability of re-watching the show, I recommend you, at the point Taylor begins her “woe is me” spill, forget looking at her. Watch Brandi. It is pure gold! If you happen to have it on iTunes, it is exactly at the 33:07 to the 33:26 mark. Those seconds alone are worth the $1.99. I’m not even kidding. I just murdered my rewind button and I LOVED it!

The rest of the clip of Taylor, shows the power of editing. It is powerful, Guys! I think we all agree, most of us got to a point of extreme emotional negativity towards Taylor. That was the most polite way I could think to say that y’all. I’m watching this clip and for a second I began to feel for her! I had to go splash cold water on my face to get out of the Bravo editing trance. It was the same as feeling sorry for her about the wedding ring part of her lawsuit settlement. Are we supposed to forget people lost their savings, their entire retirements due, in part, to Taylor’s actions. Yet, here we are again and she is boo-hooing that she needs a man, but she feels guilty. She still loves Russell and hates him at the same time. Guys, slap your cheeks lightly a few times. Remember the book, Kennedy at signings. That little girl listening to her Mom talk about her Dad, like he was a monster. I’m saving you from the fun-house Bravo chooses to make these shows. You will thank me. There’s no charge. Just say hey to me on Twitter.

Wait. My ears just perked up like a german shepherds. Did I hear Adrienne and the lawsuit being discussed? Yesss! Lisa and Yolanda are discussing the absurdity of Adrienne trying to intimidate Brandi with her financial power, not trying to work it out like adults and how they would never do the same. Hallelujah!

Why is Maurasso (spelling intentional. Sound it out.) sitting there like King of the D-bags? Better yet, why are words coming out of his mouth berating Brandi? They just keep coming and they just keep getting worse. Kyle, you are officially the worst hostess in the history of dinner parties. Marissa, you’re a smart woman. Did you not get at the last dinner party not to co-sign a party with Kyle? Kyle, it’s cool, you say, you’re not getting involved in the fighting but I just realized something. You don’t have to! You fuel up everyone around you to spew out your opinions! First, Faye did your dirty work and now Maurasso (spelling still intentional). That is one thing that’s bothered me about Kyle from the get go. She has opinions in her talking heads. She has opinions if she is with the one she agrees with or with someone who has nothing to do with the drama. Yet, put her in front of the person she disagrees with and she straddles that fence as easily as she will go down in a split or wave that hair around like a lunatic at a party. 

Listening to Maurasso’s advice about ignoring your lawyer’s advice makes Charlie Brown’s teacher sound like the most riveting intelligent speaker in the universe. His posture? His arrogance? My loathing? 

Have I said how highly I think of Lisa in this blog?

Lisa chimes in with, “Wasn’t it Adrienne who said friends don’t sue friends?” Why yes, Lisa it was. 

Wouldn’t the world be great if every group, didn’t have that one person that always tries to make everything about them? If you think that is an untruth? You’re that person, in your group! (FYI: There’s also the “expert” in every group, and sometimes in a cosmic cruelty, they are one and the same.)

Taylor begins to make it about her. Taylor exclaims that yes, Adrienne did say that but it’s a different story now that it’s actually Adrienne’s stuff coming out.  Maurasso is backing up Taylor’s statement and Kim throws out that despite Taylor saying her stuff is more heavy because it includes a dead man and physical abuse, Taylor could have walked away. Taylor asks what does Kim mean by that, followed with I have supported you the entire way. Do not start now. Kim just gives a smirk and a “I’m just watching you, Taylor.” (Once again, if you have capabilities of watching the show again, watch Maurasso’s look of disdain at Kim as she talks to Taylor. Quite interesting.)

Brandi is ready to leave. Once again, it’s become a Brandi Blast. One might become suspicious, Kyle’s mission is to ostracize Brandi at every social gathering. Kudos Kyle, you manage to carry out it without appearing as the main attacker.

Taylor begins to give Brandi a pep talk. Taylor urges Brandi not to leave.  Taylor impels Brandi to tell herself that she won’t cry and she won’t walk away. Then Camille gets involved, when Taylor says we are single women and we have to be stronger, we don’t have the emotional support everyone else has. Camille and Taylor are pepping themselves up and I almost expect to see them jump up like Will Ferrell and Cheri Oteri in an SNL skit.

Brandi is oblivious to the pep rally going on to her left and is chatting with Marissa’s husband to her right.  

Maurasso is back on his high horse, asking why she said it, repeatedly. Just when I thought I was going to have to walk away for a minute, before my head explodes, I hear a…could it be?  I am so excited right now I am wiggling around like a kid who thinks he’s heard Santa on the rooftop. Ken has found his voice and is using it! Maurasso is explaining Brandi said it to create shit and you’re either a gossip or you’re not. Hey Asso, look directly to your right. Maybe direct some of your self-righteousness to her.

Ken says, it doesn’t matter why! She said it.

Asso continues, pompous and sarcastic, saying she said it to be nice. She said it for a thrill. 

Ken reiterates, she said it in a conversation, she’s admitted it was wrong.

Asso continues to chastise Brandi. How does Kyle get her attack dogs to go like this?

Kyle’s stuffing chips in her mouth, enjoying the show.

Ken says, “It was the truth!”

Lisa leans over, with a nudge and says you can’t say that then we’ll get sued. I’m loving the Vanderpumps!

I have never seen anyone stuff as many chips down as fast as Kyle is right one! She is in utopia!

Asso, looking down his nose at Brandi, says pick up the phone and call Adrienne. Brandi responds she has tried as Asso is telling her she hasn’t even tried. Asso responds with a non believing, really? 

Ken says, “Hey Asso, when you’re being sued, maybe your attorney doesn’t want you picking up the phone.” Except, Ken didn’t call him Asso, obviously.

Asso replies, and I’m not making this part up, ”You don’t have to listen to your attorney. Have common sense.”

Kyle cannot cram those chips in fast enough, y’all.

Ken tries to talk to Asso. He gets interrupted with Asso talking about his four daughters with amazing brains. Followed with a his stock sentence of the night, she should pick up the phone and call but ends it this time with, because she started it and because everyone is telling her she should. Wait. She should not listen to her attorney but she should listen to this group of Mensa Members?

Kyle had to get a refill on that basket of chips. She is shoveling faster than a ditch digger. 

Kim interrupts here and calls Brandi out for doing a similar thing to her. Blurting out an untruth. Brandi hits back, with a why was it untrue? It was incorrect but true. 

Ya know, that Kyle and Kim crew are letting that statement stay a thorn in their side and it comes up quite a bit from them and their gang. But do you ever hear any of them mention the hidden crutches, the mean girl attitude and catty unkind remarks? To hear their version, one might think, Brandi walked into game night and screamed Kim is a crackhead, totally out of the blue and unprovoked and left the party. 

Lisa asks where was everyone defending her when Adrienne accused her of selling stories because she recalls it being mighty quiet during that time.

Asso responds, “Who gives a shit about selling stories?”

Lisa emphatically says, “I do! It’s my integrity!”

Surprise! We find out Asso’s opinion on Lisa’s issue and it’s no one cares because it’s so superficial. 

Kyle’s gonna be bloated as a blimp!

Brandi at this moment has had it and yells it’s about her kids and her life and for Asso to go *cough cough*  himself. 

And in a moment like I have never loathed a man in my life,

Asso says, “You deserve all of that.”

Marissa’s husband asks who wants dessert?

That is a WRAP on Episode 9.

So, what did you think? 

Are we getting more of Bravo’s creative editing? Taylor was with John, her current boyfriend, in the last episode but belly-ached tonight about needing a man.

Does anyone think Yolanda sounded like a preacher this entire episode?

Does anyone care to see another vow renewal?

Kim and Kyle’s relationship?

How many days/diuretics did it take to get Kyle’s swelling down from stuffing those chips in her mouth? 

Leave me your thoughts.  I look forward to hearing from you!

If you missed my last week’s recap, check here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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— TVFishBowl (@TVFishBowl) April 9, 2013

Tags: Adrienne Maloof, Andy Cohen, belly dancers, Brandi Glandville, bravo, Camille Grammar, featured, Giggy, iTunes, Ken Vanderpump, Kim Richards, Kyle Richards, lawsuit, lawyers, Lemons, Life Coach, Lisa Vanderpump, Marissa Zucker, master cleanse, Mauricio Umansky, Paul Nassif, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, RHOBH, Russell Armstrong, Swinging, Taylor Armstrong, vow renewals, yolanda foster