Another Catfight, Another Show
By High Heels
Tonight’s episode begins where we left last week: at the depressing, migraine-inducing SUR party that Lisa threw last week. You know the one, where the ladies could “start fresh”
and so that she could plug her other show. I don’t know what Lisa was drinking (or smoking) when she decided that yet another “let’s start fresh” party was the way to mend these twisted relationships. Brandi and Joyce’s relationship needs more than a Beverly Hills dinner party—heck, it needs a full on exorcism.
Brandi has moved beyond getting a bit of a buzz to becoming so drunk that she is slurring her speech and falling down drunk. Everyone is uncomfortable as she becomes more uncontrollable and throws out F bombs right and left. Her behavior might be acceptable if she was trashing it up in a sleazed out biker bar but she was in a five-star Beverly Hills restaurant. Even Lisa, Brandi’s staunchest ally, seems to be seeing her friend’s drunken behavior in a new light, admitting, “Brandi seems to be losing this battle.” Um, yes she is. Behind the dinner table, we see glimpses of the Sur staff looking wide-eyed and looking miserable as they view how their will turn out if they keep up their pace at drinking.
As if misery were not enough, it’s time to throw a heaping helping of self-pity on top of those drinks that Brandi is intent on slamming down her throat. This is normal drunk behavior: you move to giggles, to anger, and then onto tears. “It’s not my fault!” Brandi laments, “I lost my dog! And I have no man.” But just as the Brandi train is about to completely derail, Yolanda escort her out of the party so she will have less time looking foolish on national television. Yolanda returns to the group, sans Brandi, and tries making excuses for her wasted friend. Yo tells Joyce and her husband that Brandi truly is a beautiful person. However, when Joyce rather astutely points out that if Brandi treated Yolanda in the manner in which Brandi behaves with Joyce, that Yolanda wouldn’t put up with it. In a refreshing and fleeting moment of honesty and self-awareness, Yolanda agrees.
Ken, whom we all know is hot for Brandi, also tries reassuring the group that Brandi is a good person. He points out that if so many people in their group love her, she must be lovable. And this is actually true. When Brandi isn’t drunk, she seems to be a lovely, funny, and refreshing person but somehow the booze negates Brandi’s goodness, which leaves us with the embarrassing mess of her behavior to remember her by. I should also point out that when alcohol changes a person’s behavior in such a drastic way, it might be a good time to consider rehab. Just saying!
Let’s all face it: this party fell apart like a cheap weave. Finally and mercifully, it comes to the end. The staff of Sur cleans up the remnants of fine Kobe beef, lobster, and foie gras (as well as a few clumps of hair and broken fingernails). The housewives return home in their appointed limousines to their glittering mansions amongst the rich and useless, where they can lick their wounds as they contemplate their diminishing reputations and/or career, and/or marriages.
The next few scenes feature “this is how we really live” clips, which are totally unscripted and natural (/sarcasm). First see Kim reunited with her dog, which is sweet. It’s obvious how much she loves Kingsley. But at the same time, it’s sad and boring that this seems to be her only storyline this season. Kim’s talking heads always leave me scratching my head. In this week’s talking head, she said something like, “At home, I sleep on a European king, fluffy mattress, with a doubt quilt, on my Mom.” HUH? You sleep on your Mom? I watched it three times and I think that’s what she said. This is why Kim’s behavior still concerns me. I wonder if her meds are all on track. I hope so. I must also admit I’m a little weirded out by Kim’s relationship with her dog.
Next Carlton and her (sure she is) Nanny treat us to another creepy interchange. Every week we hear about new things Carlton despises—and she despises a lot of things, folks! This week we learn that she doesn’t like rats. Nor does she care for spiders but you mustn’t kill the spiders because they are earth’s creatures. She also doesn’t like ill-behaved children, which is why she keeps hers locked up in the turret of her castle, allowing them out for daily timed exercise in their yard done in the appropriate attire of their school clothes. Carlton works a little too hard to convince us that theirs is a completely normal family relationship (like in Addams family normal).
Joyce and Vyle, now to be known as Boyce as when they are together, have decided to go golfing. Kyle has promised Mauricio this forever and dammit, she’s got to keep her man’s roving eye at home so she’s meeting with a pro golf teacher. Kyle plays golf as well as she plans parties. Joyce is no better. But we did get to see more Boyce Bonding.
While golfing, Boyce again rehashes the Dinner Party from Hell, Version 282.6. Come on Bravo! Haven’t you put us through enough? It wasn’t enough that the actual scene assaulted us verbally and visually but we have to hear about it for the remainder of the episode as well? And now we have to hear about it again?
Now we cut to Yolanda’s Lemony Snicket home, to hear the Brandi/Yolanda rehash of the Dinner Party from Hell, Version 282.6. We’ve seen Yo stand up for Brandi all season (and holding her up), while throwing away her last season belief that “nothing is uglier than a drunken woman” but it appears that Yo is about over Brandi’s antics. Even Yo has decided that Brandi’s gone too far off the deep end. Yo, in her lemony way, informs Brandi that her behavior really isn’t ‘gangsta’ but is more along the lines of ‘embarrassangsta” (okay, I made up that word).
Brandi vacillates between defiantly saying that she is who she is and that she’s happy with that person and blaming her behavior on missing her dog. But then she throws in the “I’m having troubles with Eddie” card in for good measure. I do understand being upset about the missing dog—that would kill me—but it’s time to let go of the “I’ve been wronged by my ex-husband card.” Brandi says she is not in a good space right now. And I honestly wonder why this is so since it seems to me that her lot in life has vastly improved since she started on the show.
Two years ago, Brandi was fresh off an embarrassing, public break-up, she lived in a crappy apartment, and had no job, and was constantly fighting with her ex-husband. Today, she’s a best-selling author with a full-time, high-paying job, a beautiful home and lots more money. The only thing I see in a bad place is that she’s drinking too much because all these other things are good. But then, some people enjoy living in chaos. Brandi needs counseling. And rehab. Like two seasons ago. Yolanda leaves the impression that if Brandi doesn’t straighten up, she can no longer walk on her husband’s face on his ‘Walk of Fame’ star. Oh the horrors!
Let’s now move on to another totally unscripted scene with Carlton (the Morticia Addams of the Beverly Hills but not as hot or interesting) and her husband as they visit her tattooist. While Carlton hates many things, she loooooooves tattoos. The tattoo artist suggests she use her children’s handwriting in her new tattoo, which Carlton deems a brilliant idea. As the tattoo artist draws the draft of the new tattoo, Carlton’s husband (brought to you by pussy-whipped) is busy kissing his wife’s ass. He loooooooooves the tattoo. He loves his kinky wife. Somehow, in some way, I picture him down on his hands and knees whimpering, “I’m not worthy” while Carlton the witch, punishes him with her witch whip. I just can’t go into the whole dungeon bit too much because it’s early in the morning (for me) and I am fresh out of brain bleach today.
After the drawing is complete and she’s given her approval, the actual tattooing begins. Carlton screams like a banshee while enduring the pain. As she is screaming at her husband throughout the tattoo process, you have to wonder what kind of verbal beating he took when she went through childbirth. I’m not sure how much education Carlton has but it seems the majority of her vocabulary consists of “Bloody well,” “Shut up,” and of course—her all-time favorite, “F*ck.” The artist finally finished his work and Carlton and her husband are thrilled with the results. Honestly? To me that tattoo looked like Bubba from the L.A. County Jail’s artwork. I’m serious. It’s lopsided, wonky, and sleazy. At least when
RHoBH fires Carlton she’ll have a natural spot on “Bad Ink.”
Back at Villa Lisa, the cameraman takes a bit of time to smear some rose-colored Vaseline on his lens to shoot Lisa’s scenes, who is now rummaging through ‘reclamation yard.’ Huh? Who woulda thought? In my world, we call “reclamation yards” yard sales or thrift stores. But Alas, I don’t live in Lisa’s fabulous rose-colored, diamond-studded world.
After leaving the reclamation sale, we find ourselves back at Lisa’s magical garden, where she is watering plants with water immersed in diamond chips, pink rose petals, and small remnants of Ken’s balls. Ken analyzes Brandi’s behavior. But even he can’t really justify it, even in all his horniness for Brandi—and that’s when you know just how off base Brandi really is, when Ken can’t stand up for her.
It’s not right that we leave the show on anything other than high drama, so it’s now time for this week’s injection. After all, we only received a small dose at the beginning of the episode. Kyle is gracious enough to provide the venue for the melodramatics this week. We are at
Kaftans Kyle by Alene Too, where Kyle is hosting a modeling event to help children struggling with cancer. I snark with the best of them but this is a good cause and I’m happy Kyle is doing something selfless and I hope that all the proceeds are going to their intended sources.
We start the scene with a major alert: Mannequin Down! Call the Beverly Hills paramedics! Kyle diagnoses the mannequin as having too many cocktails,
names her Brandi, and then we move on to setting up the show—which is a great cause. If anything can save Kyle’s unlikeable ass this season, helping sick children should help.
Since Joyce and Brandi got together so smashingly well at the SUR dinner party, Kyle thinks it is just a brilliant idea to bring these two together to model for her event. I’m sorry—but why these particular two? I’ve been to Bev Hills many times and there are a ten gazillion skinny women who could likely model for this event but then we would miss out on this week’s Housewife Drama and we mustn’t do that! Or it could be that not many Bev Hills ladies want to sully their reputations by appearing on the show.
We cut to all the ladies as they bitch and backstab each other in the various limousines each are assigned. Brandi and her two of her friends hear an earful about how annoying Joyce is and Brandi gives her version of “Black-Gate.” Brandi, when even your friends are admonishing your bad behavior, you know you are in the wrong. As one unnamed housewife once said, “When everyone tells you you’re dead, it’s time to lie down!
Kyle throws the worst parties/get together/events of any housewife of any franchise and she doesn’t realize she sucks at it. And before each one, with big eyes and fluttering eyelashes, she says (with a straight face), “I don’t want any negativity whatsoever associated with this event.”
This is why Kyle is disliked by many fans because we all know that she wants nothing more than to drive into some good no-tears crying drama where she can play the victim and whine about it for remainder of the season. That is Kyle’s storyline this season. The “I have been wronged” theme—but oh WAIT! Hasn’t that been her same tired old storyline for quite some time now? No one loves bathing in a tub full of chaos more than Kyle does.
THE EVENT of Beverly Hills is about to begin, where it looks like the majority of attendees are models, sales clerks, or sycophants desperate for their 15 minutes of fame. But who cares? SQUEEEEEEEE! We are here to watch all these thrown-together frienemies mix with one another for yet another Bravo “Event from Hell Smack Down.” (Let’s face it, ever since Camille’s dinner party from hell starring Allison Dubois and Her Electronic Cigarette, we’ve all become thirsty for housewife blood). And Andy, with his wonky eye and lop-sided grin keeps trying to convince us on Watch What Happens Live that it’s all REALZ, ya know? Just like
the Trout’s Taylor Armstrong’s Hermes’s bags were real. Member?
Kyle forces her daughter, Sophia, into modeling for the event, even though she clearly does not want to. This bothers me because Sophia is at the age where everything embarrasses her and perhaps she does not have the self-esteem needed to model in front of millions of viewers. I don’t think Kyle should have forced her.
Jamie Lee Curtis (who was in Halloween with Kyle) has shown up for the event. She’s quiet, taking things in. Personally, I think she finally realized she’d walked into a scripted, contrived, phony mess of a show. She honestly looks like she’d rather be getting a high colonic after running out of Activia. Kyle does a good job of kissing her ass for an insufferable amount of time, talking about how Jamie Lee carried her back to her trailer on the set one night during Halloween, the movie they were in together. Believe me, I like Jamie Lee Curtis, and I loved her parents. I keep wondering why she is doing this show. Perhaps Activia commercials don’t pay all that well.
Jamie Lee takes center stage and makes a dumb joke about how angry models always look. Only some models, Jamie—Joyce and Brandi—but obviously no one has given Jamie Lee the skinny on that. Then Jamie Lee waxes poetic about Kyle and Mauricio, who are no mere humans but angels on earth. Jamie does give a good speech about the real purpose of this event, which is good because until now, most of us thought that it was simply another staging area for a housewife smack down. I really wish the event had focused more on the cause and less on narcissistic housewife drama.
The models come out to strut the clothes but to me, they all look like they are wearing the same outfit. Sophia looks lovely as she walks the runway, even though she doesn’t look comfortable or happy that her mother forced her into it. Kyle filters everything through the selfish lens of her life.
Joyce is in her element. She is a minx, walking sleekly down the runway—so happy to be the center of attention if even for a fleeting moment. She is thankful that she still is still skinny enough that people invite her to model at their events.
We see Carlton eyeing her Brandi Sandwich for the umpteenth time. And we hear for the umpteenth time how hot Brandi is. I think Carlton should just lose the husband, come out of the closet with Nanny in tow, and be done with it.
At the end of the event, Lisa invites Joyce for lunch—just the two of them, to sort things out. Now here’s a novel concept! Actually getting two people together privately instead of bringing the two fighting parties into a high-end dinner party where there’s a rabid audience.
Joyce arrives at Chateau Lisa and they exchange the obligatory kisses on each cheek. Joyce compliments on Lisa’s exquisite house (which it truly is) and Lisa brings tea for them. And we just know they will now treat us to rehash #18 of the SUR dinner party. Joyce is complaining YET AGAIN about how wronged she’s been. WHO CARES? Really? Who goes on like this? Lots of people have disliked me in the past—I didn’t get mad—I didn’t give a damn. And I most certainly didn’t try to MAKE them like me. Just avoid the assholes who want to pee in your corn flakes every time you see them. It’s far more fun, anyway, to make THEM wonder why you are ignoring them. You know what they say? A good defense is a good OFFENSE. Learn it, love it, live it, ladies.
You can see Lisa’s opinion of Joyce changing here (of course, this could have been shot after the season ended—after Lisa and Brandi’s falling out) because you can almost see how the switching sides is to be set up. I do have to say this about Joyce—for someone with two bachelor’s degrees, I find it interesting that she doesn’t know the word, ‘chastise.’ But she says the word sounds “nice” (eyes rolling here). Perhaps all these ladies should enroll in college rather than engaging in melodramatics at every even in Beverly Hills.
The preview for next week shows Brandi on the pole again—this is a recurring theme, as well as Kimberly’s graduation, as well as one more upcoming smack down between Joyce and Brandi.
What else is new? Whose side are you on? Are you Team Brandi or Team Joyce or are you like me and are on the “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off” team?