The episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills begins with Kim’s talking head (TH), where she explains that she is throwing her daughter Kimberly a graduation party with a luau theme that evening.
Kim and Kyle go out for sisterly bonding at a day spa to prepare the evening party. They giggle like silly prepubescent schoolgirls as they whisper about having their privates shaved. These ridiculous women cannot actually say “vagina.” Kim calls hers a ‘wiener’ and Kyle’s is a ‘tweeter.’ Kyle tries to explain to her medicated sister that she doesn’t have a wiener. In Kim’s TMI way, she tells us that no one has fed her wiener/tweeter for a looooong time! (Who cares?). The outcome of the spa visit is that Kyle and Kim have finally bonded after Kyle outed her sister’s alcoholism on national TV. And they are now at that elusive ‘better place.’
Another recurring theme is pole dancing and we find ourselves at yet another lesson on how to do so. How many lessons have they taken now? Is the learning curve that steep? Carlton (The Witch) asks the pole teacher to go upside down with her legs spread. The teacher gladly demonstrates, while The Witch drools. The Witch cannot stop licking her lips and talking about how HOT Brandi is. This is the zillionth time she has said this. Brandi and The Witch aren’t lesbians, but they like playing them on TV. I find it both nauseating and offensive.
After the hurl-worthy pole-dancing scene, we go to Kim’s house, where her meds are helping her ramble her way through preparing her daughter’s party. Kim is exhausting—her mumbling wears me out. Her TH’s confuse me. But her daughter, Kimberly looks radiantly lovely at her party and we meet Kimberly’s father, Kim’s former husband, with whom she seems to have an adult relationship (Brandi, please take note). Kim really loves her kids and I can understand why it would be hard to have them all leaving home, so close together.
Brandi and The Witch arrive to the party. Carlton is wobbling around (maybe it’s the heels but it’s probably too many pre-party cocktails). They are slumming it, eating fat burgers on the outside steps (The Witch looks like she would rather have a Brandi Burger). Brandi complains that men are sending her pictures of their penises via sexting. Hello? Earth to Brandi? How did those men get your phone number? Oh, THAT’S RIGHT! When you were wasted, you gave the sleazy bums your phone number!
Kyle and darling Portia arrive. Kyle is openly envious of how the skinny women can pile on extra cheese before slamming down as many fat burgers as their hearts desire. Kyle laments that if she even LOOKS at a fat burger, her ass grows 10 inches, which sucks because then her old kaftans don’t fit.
If they are both at any event, Brandi and The Witch are attached at the hip. The Witch wants something alcoholic and fruity, cackling as she explains that she likes to drink. She might even be an alcoholic. But who cares that a recovering alcoholic is hosting the party for her daughter who is below the drinking age. Brandi and The Witch are there for THEMSELVES, ya’ll! The self-absorption of these women and their inability to look beyond their own selfish needs are truly astounding.
Brandi has to go to the bathroom to puke because the fat burger didn’t make happy with her tum tum. Why didn’t this scene end up on the cutting room floor? Why Bravo thinks we want to spend our Monday nights hearing some drunk, broken-down ex-model heaving in the bathroom is beyond me. Has there ever been a bigger waste of digital video?
Kim gives a long, rambling speech that clearly demonstrates her SHOBRIETY (hic). Folks, alcohol may not be the problem but something is going on here with her—perhaps it’s only a bad interaction with meds and not something worse. Kim’s TH doesn’t help the “I am shober” cause, because she looks like she’s on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Soon all her chicks will have fled the nest and it will only be Kingsley and her—that is until Kinglsey bites someone’s face off because he hasn’t been trained properly!
We cut to happier times in Lisa’s closet, which is fabulous. I covet that closet. Lisa is donating clothes for a charity event to benefit foster children. Lisa has a good heart and the fact that she does most of her charity work off-camera speaks volumes about her character.
Then Brandi calls Lisa (which must mean they are still be on good terms and haven’t had their major fallout as of yet). Brandi decides she and Joyce need to have a “come to Jesus” meeting. Lisa asks that the ladies put their petty boring and played out differences aside so they can remember what’s important: helping foster children.
Joyce, who is such a moron that she doesn’t know what the words ‘reprimand’ or ‘chastise’ mean, lectures us on taking a stand against bullying. I don’t really buy that kids bullied her any more than any of us were, although anything is possible. I just find it hard to believe that a future Miss Puerto Rico and runner-up to Miss Universe had a horrible time when kids bullied her as a child. Spaghetti and Meatballs anyone?
Joyce again whines (for the 485th time) how ‘Brandi called me a fat pig.’ No, she really didn’t, Joyce. She said your name was that of a fat pig. Joyce’s entire “I’ve been wronged” storyline is getting lamer each week.
The day of the charity event, Lisa is putting the breakfast together. Joyce is the first to arrive, bringing two closets full of horrid pageant outfits from HELL, all on gold-plated hangers.
Of course, we cannot have any event or party without one or more confrontations between two or more of these women. This week it’s Kim’s turn to confront Lisa, whom she accuses of not going to her daughter Kimberly’s graduation party.
Lisa claims she was in Missouri but Kim has EVIDENCE (from her hairdresser), that Lisa was NOT in Missouri but was out in Bev Hills. Indeed, Missouri-Gate catches up with Lisa and she realizes that Kim in her fog of addiction forgets that Lisa sent a very nice Tiffany gift along with her RSVP stating she wouldn’t be attending. She starts sweating like a royal racehorse on steroids, while explaining why she lied. Lisa, I love you but lying is never a good idea.
Kim doesn’t let it go. She’s on her ADD meds today and she is FOCUSING on Lisa’s absence at the party and the subsequent lie. Ken gets into the mix and brings up all the events that a drunk and wasted Kim missed over the years. Kim, like any good dry drunk, makes excuses for her own behavior all the while blaming everyone else. None of these women can take responsibility for themselves. Zip-it, Kim. You did the same thing—only a million times more, so shut your medicated face.
Brandi decides it’s time for Joyce and her to have a heart to heart. But it’s more a scream to scream as they expound on how terribly wronged each has been. They go into ‘black-gate’ for the zillionth time (how many times are we going to beat this particular dead horse?).
Brandi puts on her psychologists hat and in her analysis, finds that Joyce doesn’t listen (and Brandi does? Freud would have called you out on your projection, Brandi!). This “starting over” talk is going marvelously and soon these two rabid Chihuahuas are at each other’s throats.
Lisa and Kyle abandon ship, leaving Brandi and Joyce to continue their childish complaints against each other. They accomplish nothing; they decide that they owe the other nothing and it’s just fine if they are ENEMIES for life.
Lisa and Kyle go for a romp in the pool, which confuses Brandi. In Brandi’s world, relationships are one-dimensional. It’s black or white/hate or love. Brandi isn’t socially adept nor is she educated enough to realize that social graces sometimes require one you be civil to those you don’t care for.
The Witch, who has barely been seen this episode and wants to ensure that she causes enough crap so she’s not demoted to ‘friend of the housewives’ next season. The witch sticks up for Brandi because she so clearly wants to go muff diving on her. Brandi AGAIN chastises Joyce but then hands out a crumb saying that she won’t call her Jacqueline, psycho, or yucky. The women include a healthy dose of insincerity in this ending.
The previews for next week show that Yolanda and David will reappear (we missed them entirely this time) and of course, we will see more migraine-inducing scenes of Brandi meltdowns and Brandi drama.
Do you still have hope that this season will get more interesting? Or has it completely jumped shark?