Depending on how you tuned into Vanderpump Rules depends on the introduction you saw. If you watched the 2 hour segment of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills then the conversation between Brandi & Scheana was the segue to the new show. If you watched the 1 hour premiere of Vanderpump Rules we saw a shot of SUR (stands for Sexy Unique Restaurant) from outside. As we know, Lisa takes great pride in the overall restaurant experience: music, ambiance, service and quality of food.
We’re introduced to bartenders Jax and Tom who are both good looking young men in their late 20s. They’re joking about how far their shirts are buttoned down, as the week goes on they button them down lower. I recommend going in on a Friday. Camera goes to Stassi being reprimanded by Lisa for drinking on the job, and before she gives up the drink takes a sip right in front of her boss…which we quickly learn is typical Stassi style.
In Lisa’s talking head she tells us her staff may not have the best waiting skills but her restaurants are a blend of good characters, the different energy put together is what makes SUR so unique, and it is. Now we’re treated to Stassi’s talking head telling us that servers at SUR have aspirations, whereas at other Hollywood restaurants they simply want to be *“waiters at SUR.” Next we have the talking head of Kristen saying the staff at SUR are all good looking, and they are. A rather pretentious statement to make about oneself, but it is true. And finally, we have Scheana saying she’s the new girl & wants to fit in; she doesn’t want any enemies. She’s known as the “other woman” and we get a replay of the scene from last seasons Real Housewives of Beverly Hills where she & Brandi have an encounter. Back to Scheana’s talking head & she says it sucks coming to a new place with a bad reputation.
Stassi & Scheana are in 1 of m-a-n-y scenes where Stassi, excuse me, Princess Stassi is rude to Scheana. And of course we have Stassi’s talking head dissing Scheana – she dated a married man for 2 years and never Googled him! (I’m wondering if Stassi Googled Jax before she moved in with him on their THIRD (3) date) Thankfully, Stassi enlightens us about her privileged upbringing, how she went to a private all girl’s school and Scheana is so below her in class. (So that’s where you learned the Mastery of Mean Girl)
Jax says he’s been with the “princess” for about 2 years and it’s a very heated/passionate relationship. One minute he loves her, the next he hates her. (Yes dear, those are called love/hate relationships & as I’m sure you know by now: avoid them at all costs)
Ahhh, finally, an enjoyable moment where Tom impresses Kristen & 2 others with his drink pouring skills. (It seems that there really should be a fancy name for however he does that) The dynamics between Kristen & Tom are completely (and I mean polar opposite) from that of Jax & Stassi. These two actually seem to like each other ~ fancy that! I think they may be best friends and it’s adorably obvious they’re smitten with each other; you can see it when they look at each other. (At this point, I’m wishing this was the Tom and Kristen show, but alas…it’s not)
Are you ready for a Merry Go Round ride? Cuz Peter, the manager of SUR is gonna take us on one… kind of. He’s giving us the lowdown of who’s dated who at SUR. Okay, here we go: Peter used to date Stassi, who is now with Jax who used to live with Tom Sandoval who now lives with Kristen. Kristen, Katie and Stassi are best friends. Oh, Peter also hooked up with Katie who is now dating Tom Schwartz. Tom & Tom used to live together ~ I think Kristen lived with them, too. That’s not a Merry Go Round, Peter, that’s a damn tornado! Lisa rightly says if she had to fire every employee that slept with another employee, she’d have no employees! No truer words, my friend, no truer words.
Scheana is at the bar with Jax (both working) talking when Stassi walks up; the air is so thick you can cut it with a knife. (thankfully, Stassi doesn’t have a knife…that we know of) Stassi is so insecure it is beyond ridiculous, so of course, she has to start giving Jax a hard time. Jax says he’s at his wits end! In Lisa’s talking head she describes Stassi as a “jacked up overzealous cheeky lil minx.” (Those are NOT the words that popped in my talking head)
Katie tells us, in her talking head, that she wants her own record label, but she has to serve to pay her rent. Unfortunately, sometimes real life gets in the way of our dreams, but keep pressing forward Katie, you will get there someday. Tom is telling Jax he’s really excited because his band Pierce the Arrow is headlining – there’s very good chemistry between the 2 guys. Lisa walks up and says it’s time for the “end of the night sit-down.”
All the serving staff sit with Lisa and they go over which server made the most (Scheana at $300) and what the others made. The subject of weaker (read:lazy) servers piggybacking on the stronger ones, because they pool their tips & divide them up. Scheana doesn’t agree with pooling tips (Yay Scheana for speaking your mind! You go, girl!!) & of course, a-g-a-i-n whatshername gives Scheana a rash of shit for having the audacity to speak her mind! (Who wouldn’t want this type of system?? If you’re someone like Stassi, who doesn’t pull their own weight every shift- that’s who. I was shocked to learn they use this system & agree 100% with Scheana) In what’s otherwise a grueling meeting, we’re swept away by Katie who shares that when you talk about food like sex, customers love it & it’s an easy sell; she even demonstrates how she says it – it’s funny & obviously effective.
Now we’re swept from Happy Land to Stassi’s talking head and guess what?!? Oh.Em.Gee! Her mom has always told her she’s a descendant of a Swedish Princess, therefore she tries to behave like one. First of all, bad BAD Mother!!! Secondly, Stassi there are many words I could use to describe your behavior, princess-like would NOT be one of them.
*Note: We are about 1/2 way into the show & I’m already so sick of
Princess Stassi’s behavior ~ which is anything BUT princessy! I’m considering driving a 4 inch nail straight into my frontal lobe. I find myself actually looking forward to the commercials and watch every single second of them. Her voice. Her face. Mah gawd!!!
In Katie’s talking head she calls Stassi a bully for giving Scheana such a hard time and then undoes it by saying, “But then again, some people need to be put in their place.” One very interesting note, Scheana compares herself to Stassi, when Scheana was at Villa Blanca… perhaps this is one of those karma moments in life.
Back from commercial (enjoyed every second of it!) Jax and Peter are at a bar for drinks & they’re comparing notes on Stassi and oddly enough, her behavior & relationship pattern with Peter was exactly the same as it is with Jax. *SHOCKER*
Scheana is recording a song & needs to do some finishing, rather erotic, sounds for the background. Her boyfriend, Shay is with her & it’s quite cute as he’s obviously embarrassed when she is making sexual sounds (porn-like, as the guy recording it said). Afterward Scheana says she wants to be a pop star like Britney Spears, not a singer. When her hair was dyed blonde she would often be mistaken for Britney & asked for her autograph. I don’t see the resemblance, but then, I’m not a 14 year old boy.
The girls sans Scheana (of course) are talking at Jax & Stassi’s apartment; Katie & Kristen are finally trying to talk some sense into Stassi regarding Scheana & Stassi is having no part of it! As a matter of fact, Stassi goes so far as to call Scheana “A husband-stealing fame-whoring piece of shit.” Nice
princessy language. Jax comes home and it’s in this talking head that he tells us they moved in with each other on their third date. (psssttt Jax…bad idea) He’s going on a photo shoot for a commercial job & as he’s leaving Kristen tells him about the get together with Scheana & Shay later tonight, which of course is met with whatsherface informing Jax that it’ll happen when hell freezes over. Jax’s talking head says that Stassi is a jealous girlfriend. (Ya think??)
And just like Calgon takes us away, we’re taken to Lisa & Ken’s lovely mansion where she’s meeting with Co-Owner Guillermo and Francis, her Executive Chef. They’re discussing adding an Asian fusion to their menu as the sushi restaurant next door has closed. The chef makes, what looks to be some delicious sushi dishes, and Lisa pours herself a glass of white wine in typical Lisa fashion- the glass holds enough wine for almost an entire bottle! Lisa shares another bit of wisdom, that being she knows her staff doesn’t give a damn about the restaurant, and it’s her job to make them give a damn. Well said Lisa! Well said! Guillermo proceeds to tell Lisa about Stassi asking a manager for a drink (while working), he tells her no & she tells him he needs to get his dick sucked! Wow! In every other occupation, with the exception of a hooker, she would have been FIRED on the spot! The manager got upset as he should & shouldn’t have to tolerate such insubordination.
Now we go to Lisa’s talking head admitting that she cares too much about Stassi but she is Pandora’s best friend & writes for Pandora’s online magazine The Divine Addiction. Lisa feels a certain allegiance & leniency toward Stassi. This is going to be difficult for me to write because I’m the 1st to admit I have Lisa on a pedestal; I don’t think I’ve ever criticized her. However, I don’t feel that she’s doing Stassi any favors, as a matter of fact, I feel Lisa is doing Stassi a disservice. In what world would any employee ever be allowed to get away with the things she has done…just on this 1 show?? How on earth is she going to be able to ever hold down a job with any company (that’s not her own, Lisa’s or Pandora’s) & be a compliant, productive employee? I see her as a risk for any company to hire. IMO, I don’t think she has the skills to work with humans and definitely not with animals. I realize this is a harsh critique, but I mean it in all sincerity, and if you’ve known me for any amount of time, you know I think the world of Lisa.
Now we’re at Tom & Kristen’s apartment & they’re both getting ready for work. The amount of hair product Tom uses is both hysterical & unbelievable! The guy should seriously start his own haircare product line. Kristen tells us they’ve been living together for 4 years and sleeping together for 5. Again…it’s obvious the girl is smitten…too cute! She also says it takes Tom longer than her to get ready for work & I bet of all the 1.9 million viewers Monday night, not 1 person doubted her claim. I think my favorite line of the night is when Tom says, “This flat iron is the best gift you ever got me.” He was 100% serious & that’s when you know that you truly know someone, when you get them the best gift possible…even if it is a flat iron.
Tom’s talking head tells us that in 5 years he’d like them to be married with 1 or 2 kids. Kristen’s talking head tells us in 5 years she wants to be known for her work, and if fame comes with it, that’s OK. What I find interesting is 20 years ago he would have been talking about his career and she would have been talking about getting married & having kids. How far we have come!
Scheana and another server at SUR, Tina have been friends since working at Villa Blanca. They meet up at some lil shop that serves elixirs that are supposed to give you a boost. The girls get to talking (Tina is actually nice to Scheana…first time during the show she hasn’t been treated like dog poo) & Scheana reveals she’s going on a callback for the part of the pink Power Ranger. She says she’ll known she’s made it big when the paparazzi starts taking pictures of her. Trust me, girlfriend, you do NOT want them chasing you around! Scheana reveals working at SUR is like everyone being on their period 24/7. I can only imagine.
Now we’re back at SUR, Scheana walks in & says, “hi” to the 3 girls, which is in turn ignored. Nice touch! Stassi is upset that Scheana is wearing the same “gray slash blue dress” that Stassi is! Wah Wah Wah Scheana goes to Kristen (it may be Katie) to ask what she should do, Stassi interrupts & tells Scheana to polish the glasses & clean the coffee bar – Stassi’s sidework. Gee, see why “some” servers, ie: the ones that work hard, may have a problem with pooling tips? Ya, piggybacking. Scheana, not wanting to cause any problems, starts polishing the glasses. Lisa is sitting at a booth & sees exactly what’s going on; she tells Scheana she needs to stand up to them or they will walk all over her. Scheana is very hesitant and at doesn’t want to, but then with Lisa’s prodding she goes & looks for Stassi. And there she is, sitting out on the back porch with the trash. IMO, appropriately so.
And now…you young people won’t remember, but remember the movie Rocky, when they start playing The Eye of the Tiger? Ya, it’s that moment! The moment when people are getting bullied finally stand up for themselves & put the other person in their place. Yep! The time has arrived and not 1 minute too soon!
Scheana goes up to Stassi & confronts her, she tells her she refuses to be her “little bitch.” YAY SCHEANA!!! Stassi, of course, is bothered because Scheana is a man-stealer & she thinks she was hitting on Jax. (no worries Stassi, you’re doing a GREAT job of pushing your man away all by yer purdy lil self) Stassi tries to get all “You date a famous actor for 2 years and didn’t think to Google him?” and Scheana finally shuts her down pretty much with “Everybody has made mistakes, she has & she’s learned from them. They’re really none of Stassi’s business.” BOOYA! (Yes, I used your awkward word, Stassi) As Scheana walks away with tears in her eyes, Stassi has an odd smirk on her face. I find this extremely bothersome: Stassi being intentionally cruel to Scheana, feeling no remorse or empathy for any pain she’s causing, and actually taking pleasure in it, seems to have somewhat of a sociopathic tendency to it.
Now, again I have to give my opinion about Lisa’s handling of the situation. At first, I felt she should have reprimanded Stassi for having Scheana do her sidework. But after thinking about it more, I realize Lisa was giving Scheana tools that will last her a lifetime ~ to stand up for herself & not be anybody’s bitch.
Back at the bar (I’m wishing I were a drinker right about now) Tom is bartending, Jax & Tom Schwartz are relaxing & talking. Jax talks about how paranoid Stassi is. We get a talking head of either Kristen or Katie (sorry ladies) saying that none of the 6: Katie/Tom/Kristen/Tom/Jax/Stassi are from L.A. and they’ve formed somewhat of a nice family bond – they’re all BFFs. All 3 couples are at the bar and Tom Sandoval finally defends Scheana & guess what? Kristen doesn’t go batshit crazy like “someone” else probably would have, had her boyfriend defended another female. Unfortunately, 1 of the girls other than Stassi is heard saying, “But we don’t like her anyway.” Ugh, so not nice.
The girls are getting ready for work & we see how tiny & sheer their “uniforms” are; they are sheer type of scarf-thin. 1 of them states you can’t be larger than a size 2 to wear them…both fortunately & unfortunately, none of the girls wear bras, and they must use tape to keep everything in place so nothing falls out. My 2nd favorite line of the night is by Kristen (I hope I’m right) as Katie’s talking about the shortness of the “dress” Kristen tells her, “Bend at the knees, girlfriend, bend at the knees.”
Our final shot of the night is of the 3 couples having brunch, girls sitting on 1 side of the table, guys on the other. Stassi orders her 2nd mimosa & Jax makes a comment that she’s not yet finished her 1st, but by the time she’ll have her 2nd, she’ll be thinking about her 3rd. And then, Stassi does a “BOOYA!” at Jax. WTF?? The tension between Jax & Stassi is obviously making everybody uncomfortable. We also find out he slept on the couch the night before, and that sometimes he doesn’t come home because Stassi threatens to call the cops on him if he does. (I’d stay away too) And we get another “BOOYA!” with a strange hand gesture and some odd vocal groveling from one
Princess Stassi. To end the premiere of Vanderpump Rules, Stassi makes a poignant statement to Jax, “I am the devil and don’t you forget it.”
We won’t forget it, Stassi, no worries, we won’t.
Follow me on Twitter @janesinsane
*Note: It was brought to my attention by a very reliable source that I had incorrectly quoted Stassi as saying “waiters that serve.” when in fact, what she said was, “waiters at SUR.” As a result, I corrected her statement and removed my comment of “Exactly, Stassi! SUR is the only place in Hollywood where servers don’t want serving to be their career. *sigh*”
I try my best to listen carefully & write everything down exactly as I hear it, obviously, I misheard what Stassi said. I’ve been quite hard on Stassi in this review & feel it’s only right that I offer my most sincere apology to Stassi for misquoting her, as well as for my comment that followed. Sincerely, Jane
Follow @tvfishbowl for your Television, Movie, Celebrity, Pop Culture, and Gossip scoop— TVFishBowl (@TVFishBowl) April 9, 2013